" I have nothing to wear!" can probably be heard in many households across America on most mornings of the week.
A common dialogue goes like this:
Daughter: "I have nothing to wear"
Mom: "Why don’t you wear that new sweater you just bought, that looks really nice on you."
Daughter: "I don’t have anything to go with the sweater"
Mom: "Your jeans will look great, they go with anything"
Daughter:" I hate my jeans, I need new ones."
Mom: "You just got them, what do you mean you hate them?"
Daughter: "I got them six months ago and I don’t like how they look on me anymore"
Mom: "You are always complaining about your clothes. Just pick out something and get on with it."
Daughter: "You are so mean, you just don’t understand!"
Mom: "Don’t talk to me that way young lady!"
Many parents make the mistake of getting involved in the drama, when it is better to watch kindly from the sidelines. When we try to solve our children’s problems for them we lead ourselves right into a trap called The Power Struggle. In my classes I teach a variety of communication skills that help us avoid the downward spiral into conflict.
Daughter: "I have nothing to wear"
Reflect Feelings:
Mom: "One of those days! It can be frustrating when nothing in your closet appeals to you."
Daughter: "Yeh, I don’t know what to do! Nothing looks right on me!"
Reflect Feelings:
Mom: "You are not liking any of your clothing right now"
Daughter: "All my friends have much cooler clothing then me."
Give them their wishes in fantasy:
Mom: "That can be really hard. You wish you had more trendy clothing."
Daughter: "Yeh! I always pick out the wrong clothing- it never looks right!"
Say: " I don’t know if this helps", and gently remind them of their successes in the past:
Mom: "I don’t know if this helps, I remember the outfit you wore to Shana’s party, you put that together yourself. Also remember the way you helped Rachel, that time. You lent her a necklace and earrings. She was so thankful to you for putting the final touches on her dress."
Daughter: "Yeh! I guess so, but that is not going to help me now! Can you help me pick something out?"
Let her know you have faith in her ability to solve her own problems:
Mom: "When you can’t find something to wear, having your mother help you, only makes things worse. Trust me, everything I suggest will just not seem right to you. This is something you can figure out yourself. Good luck, I am going to finish getting breakfast on the table for everyone."
Daughter: "But Ma! What am I going to do, you have to help me!"
State the Problem and urge her to come up with her own solutions:
Mom: "Trust me, I would love to help you. The problem is if I stay in here we are going to end up yelling at each other. I don’t want to start my day like that. I know it is tough, and I also know you can come up with a solution that works for you!"
Daughter: "Fine!"
Exit Stage Left:
"I’ll see you downstairs in a bit. I’ll see if there is a breakfast bar or something quick for you to eat just in case you don’t have time for breakfast."
The clever communication techniques outlined above help us in many ways. It allows us to maintain our dignity and the dignity of our children. Our relationship with our children remains unharmed and children are gently pushed to act responsibly and take ownership of their problems. Power struggles are avoided; peace and harmony reign.
Adina Soclof, a certified Speech Pathologist, received her masters degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. Adina works for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. You can visit her website at http://www.ParentingSimply.com. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio.
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