The story goes that if you want to know how a girl will grow up all you have to do is go and look at her mother. Many of us have a horror of that happening. We see certain traits and characteristics and have a dread of inheriting them. Let us look at those negative traits and see what we can learn from their story, and then turn them around.
- Guilt. Many women run the family home and are responsible for everything under that roof. They are usually the rock of the family, the person who ensures that everything will be ready on time, meals, laundry, shopping, whatever is needed in the home is often expected to be remembered and provided by Mum. As a result, over time some women expect to be treated as the matriarch in the family out of appreciation for all their years of input. They instill a sense of guilt into their children.They may expect their children and grandchildren to have certain obligations where they are concerned. This may be fine at times, but growing children are often selfish and preoccupied with their own lives. Children often go through phases of being disinterested in the family, and that is part of growing up. Laying guilt onto children may well force them to do certain things, go and visit, undertake certain tasks, but they will be done in an ungracious way rather than out of love.
Children as they get older may feel obliged to do many things for their mothers, and they may well visit, call, telephone, drive miles to see them, but do we really want our children to sacrifice their lives and put themselves under this much pressure for us? Having them call when it is convenient is one thing. Instead listen to what is going on in their lives and discover whether they have free time or not. See if there are ways that you can help them, maybe babysitting or occasional errands may be a godsend and take the pressure off them.
- Criticism. Many people despair at how critical their mothers become in later life, critical of partners, children, service in shops, pretty much most things can be given a verbal lashing. It seems to come from a combination of impatience and intolerance, as well as comparisons with how things were in their own youth. When you hear yourself becoming grumpy and disapproving, stop and start noticing the good things around you.
- Bitterness. Some women missed opportunities when they were growing up. They may have had a difficult childhood of their own, they may have married young and were obliged to sacrifice their career, or became pregnant quite young. The bitterness of those missed opportunities is sometimes passed onto their own children in the form of sarcasm, ridicule, disdain which can all be tough to take from ones own mother. A mother may be bitter if their child succeeds, but may also be bitter and scathing if their child does not succeed. Learning to appreciate that this is the mothers’ problem and not the childs’ is an important part of healing the damage that this attitude can potentially cause in the child.
- Resentment. If a woman feels that she has nothing to show for her life, perhaps her husband has built a successful career and is satisfied with his achievements but disinterested and distant from her, maybe children have grown up and moved on with their lives and are rarely seen, then she can feel resentful. Some women forget about their own independent lives and interests as they become busy and absorbed in running and maintaining a successful family home. Maybe looking to join groups where she can meet like-minded women for exercise, conversation, volunteer work, fun can provide a stimulating outlet for a new set of interests in her life.
- Obligation. Expecting children to live our dreams and our lives is very damaging for our children. Mothers sometimes live vicariously through their children, encourage a particular talent or aspiration to compensate for their lack of success or opportunity. This can cause damage in children, especially if they not interested or especially talented in that particular field.
Many women pass on wonderful characteristics and traits to their children. But, being mindful that there is the potential for negative traits too can allow them to become vigilant and intercept any unwanted behaviour patterns before they become a part of their character, damaging their children and their relationships.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net
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